Monday, May 12, 2008
why does my heart feel so bad?
why does my soul feel so bad?
-Moby, Why Does Heart Feel So Bad
MySpace is evil. that's all there is to it. One minute you are just checking out your friends profiles, seeing how everyone is doing, how everyone's life is moving foward.
i come to find that i really expected time to stand still. whenever we saw each other, it was magic. we were always able to fall right back into rhythm. i bet we would be able to fall right back into each others arms if i allowed it, and it would feel exactly the same hand under my shirt, Incubus on in the background, him asking me to dance to 'Anti-Gravity (Summer Romance)' for him.
instead, i find out that he is having a kid.
what, did i expect him to wait for me? i told my mother, and she asked me if it bothered me. i said no, but then i came stomping back. fuck yeah it bothers me, and i'll be damned if i know why. is it because this really kills my chance of finding out if and him belong together? i should not be thinking that anywat!
is it because it seems that the whole world is fertile? it seems like the damn Earth itself might sprout a second moon and claim it as her child. thank God for small miracles, but i can't help but think that he puts them in the wrong hands...
is it because i know his writing is so fucking good? i've always felt slightly inferior when next to him, and i see all the places that he does readings, and all the people that respect him and admire him for his writing?
is it because there may be someone else out there that he loves more than me? he once told me that every woman he dates would be measured up to me. is it because i am afraid there is someone that superceeded me?
is it because he is living life and i am nothing more than a living guinea pig?
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You are no mere guinea pig. Maybe you're caught in a cage of circumstances, but no one touches you unless you allow it.
I think after this weekend, I can safely say, we cannot depend on people to keep allegiances so long let go.
He found someone he could love--not because he didn't love you, but because he could not.
I don't know what's in his head, but if he was good enough for you, if it was meant to be, he would have shouldered your burden, sacrificed anything.
You feel angry because when you were with him you were younger, freer, not fighting the condition. That is what you want to get back to, but you've been anchoring that hope to the thought of him, or rather, you as you were when you were with him.
His moving on does not make you irrelevant, does not make you anybody's history, Sara. You are still you, now and forever. I think, maybe the present you want to escape is not nearly so much about the people as the seizures, as all the medical trauma.
I think we both too often confuse what is frustrating us with who is around us. Yes, sometimes they're the same thing... but sometimes, no, they're just innocent bystanders of our inner war.
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