tightrope...

I'm losing you.......I'm losing you
Trust me on this one
I've got a bad feeling
Trust me on this one
You're going to throw it all away
With no hesitation

- The Moment I Said It, Imogen Heap


our friendship is fading. no matter what he or i may say.

stop pretending that when you mean isn't what you say

i know why i like this place so much. because i do not carry any of my baggage over from my other journals. here, i am not sick. i noticed i have not written about it once, and i love it. maybe it just makes me notice all the other things that bother me about my life, but at least it is something new, something away from what has consumed me for so long. i'm not epileptic, when i feel i am, i shut the computer off and keep this safe house.

signed,
ms. anonymous NJ

'Ride' by Cary brothers

You are everything I wanted
The scars of all I'll ever know

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?

And ride…

You saw all my pieces broken
This darkness that I could never show

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

i don't know why, but i am starting to like this place a lot more than Lj. maybe it is because it is so private. sometimes i worry that it will be run across, but then i remind myself that it is completely blocked off from other bloggers.it feels good to have a place that is completely my own, where i do not feel i am pressured to live up to others' expectations.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was on again yesterday, and even though i own the movie, i am compelled to watch it every time it is on television. i don't know what it is, i releate to Joel much more than i relate to Clem, although i do believe i embody her sense of freedom, her 'fuck it' attitude.

'Little Death' by +44

Please sleep, my darling, sleep
Your cry for inspiration
Never reaches ears on distant stars
And every night our lonely planet
Slides across the universe
And I won't pretend I understand

Please sleep, my darling, sleep
Your death by information
Won't disturb the peace on distant stars
And even when you lock the doors
And slide behind the unlit shades
None of us are strangers anymore

Fall asleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
You'll close your eyes and see me
A little death makes life more meaningful
I stand no chance at all

Please, sleep my darling, sleep
Your car crash in slow motion
Won't upset the pace on distant stars
And one by one the years of our lives
Stumble as the moments pass
So please hold on, so please hold on

So fall asleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
You'll close your eyes and see me
A little death makes life more meaningful
I stand no chance at all

Please, sleep my darling, sleep
Please, sleep my darling, sleep

So fall asleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
You'll close your eyes and see me
A little death makes life more meaningful
I stand no chance at all

what's the worst that i can say?

i went to the park on sunday with corissa, and there was a guy there who had been on the phone for about half an hour. i was sitting on the bench next to him, writing. i was not eavesdropping, but snatches of the conversation were floated my way. i heard him start talking to a girl about something or other he wanted to do, and at the end of the phone call he said 'ok, love you'. so i looked up at the guy for the first time, for no reason, and he was with a girl. they were sitting together, him with his arm her, her gently stroking his hand. and i automatically thought he was cheating on the girl on the phone.

yet, why couldn't the girl on the phone have been a family member or an extremely close friend? my thoughts had so much to do with the way he said 'i love you', the tone in his voice. a familiar, almost dismissive quality. an i love you that had been said a hundred times before.

and it had nothing to do with the fact that he was a guy. it was because i saw myself in them, me and ben sitting in park almost the same way. and then the memory of louis taking me to the same exact place and my heart pounding as i realized that he had found out. i remembered how close i was to losing him. how stupid i was.

when louis came to the park to pick me and corissa up, i gave him the biggest hug and kiss.

i hope i was wrong in my assumption.

indecisice

a new moth. has a new leaf turned?