just because i'm hurting doesn't mean that i'm hurt

for the first time i truly saw that me and louis may not have a future together.

i don't think he has ever grasped what a life with me is going to be like, and if he has not by this time, i don't think he will.

all repressed...

you said your vows
and you closed the door
on so many men
who would have loved you more

-Cath, Death Cab For Cutie

i am not allowed to watch 'Knocked Up' before bed anymore. i had a dream last night that i was pregnant. and the stupid father was the magical asshole Ben. and we had an argument because he did not understand why i was trying to hide it. he thought that i was trying to hide it because i was ashamed of him and who he was, when the truth was there was no way that i could admit a) i was pregnant and b) it was not louis'.

i know that he would NOT have loved me more. it's hard, but i know that. maybe he still loves me in his own me, or fuck it, maybe i am just a faded memory in his head. but he would NOT have loved me more.

i need to get this idea out of my head that there is this magical world out there where you can expirence one great love after another and consistently feel fullfilled. there is always a little piece of yourself that you will have to give up in a relationship.

why does my heart feel so bad?

why does my soul feel so bad?


-Moby, Why Does Heart Feel So Bad


MySpace is evil. that's all there is to it. One minute you are just checking out your friends profiles, seeing how everyone is doing, how everyone's life is moving foward.

i come to find that i really expected time to stand still. whenever we saw each other, it was magic. we were always able to fall right back into rhythm. i bet we would be able to fall right back into each others arms if i allowed it, and it would feel exactly the same hand under my shirt, Incubus on in the background, him asking me to dance to 'Anti-Gravity (Summer Romance)' for him.

instead, i find out that he is having a kid.

what, did i expect him to wait for me? i told my mother, and she asked me if it bothered me. i said no, but then i came stomping back. fuck yeah it bothers me, and i'll be damned if i know why. is it because this really kills my chance of finding out if and him belong together? i should not be thinking that anywat!

is it because it seems that the whole world is fertile? it seems like the damn Earth itself might sprout a second moon and claim it as her child. thank God for small miracles, but i can't help but think that he puts them in the wrong hands...

is it because i know his writing is so fucking good? i've always felt slightly inferior when next to him, and i see all the places that he does readings, and all the people that respect him and admire him for his writing?

is it because there may be someone else out there that he loves more than me? he once told me that every woman he dates would be measured up to me. is it because i am afraid there is someone that superceeded me?

is it because he is living life and i am nothing more than a living guinea pig?

tied up and twisted the way i like to be..

i don't know what it is about last night's dream that bothers me the most. the fact that it was so vivid, i woke up and felt like it was something that had happened the day before, and i actually wanted to pick up the phone and call him. or the fact that it was so much more personalble than our relationship has been in so long. or maybe because i still feel like that? perhaps my biggest problem, my bieest fear, is that i can't wear a poker face..

there's a saltwater seal on the jar of your ashes

i need the smell of hot tar and warm wood planks beneath my feet, sand gritty against the flat of my foot where i have no arches. i need quarter telescopes that are jammed up with gum, leaving the tourists dissapointed and disgusted. i need to hear a the baloon pop! and then the squeal of the heroine as the hero hands her the prize he just won. i need sunblock, water wings, flip flops. lemonade. i need naturally curly hair as the salt spray sets in. the fae in me needs to fly.

i stand no chance at all...

i am afraid to put the pen to paper. i have all these words that want to come tumbling, flowing out, but i am afraid to betray myself. i am afraid that there may finally be a line between us, and that i may actually overstep it.

i have no right to writing this today. but i do want to write. know that.

i stand no chance at all...

sometimes, just reading your words breaks my heart. but i don't think i will ever be able to tell you this. there is such a thin line! why would i go through this again..

to keep myself honest for you is to keep decieving myself.