you said your vows
and you closed the door
on so many men
who would have loved you more
-Cath, Death Cab For Cutie
i am not allowed to watch 'Knocked Up' before bed anymore. i had a dream last night that i was pregnant. and the stupid father was the magical asshole Ben. and we had an argument because he did not understand why i was trying to hide it. he thought that i was trying to hide it because i was ashamed of him and who he was, when the truth was there was no way that i could admit a) i was pregnant and b) it was not louis'.
i know that he would NOT have loved me more. it's hard, but i know that. maybe he still loves me in his own me, or fuck it, maybe i am just a faded memory in his head. but he would NOT have loved me more.
i need to get this idea out of my head that there is this magical world out there where you can expirence one great love after another and consistently feel fullfilled. there is always a little piece of yourself that you will have to give up in a relationship.
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It's true... something will be given up. The question is whether it's something one can live without, or whether the wound will always seep.
Somewhere in the biochemistry we seek that rush of the new, the fiery. It's a million years bequeathed to our bodies.
And I am maybe not the best person to give advice on such things.
You're right, there is no magical land of perfection. I hesitate, however, to dismiss the imagination that there may be something more to experience before I can say for certain.
I looked at my wife this afternoon and felt real love. That is the greatest thing. Yet as I clicked about in the office this afternoon, finishing some work after everyone else had gone, I thought of someone else I encountered recently, and for a moment could not turn my thought away.
Our age-old debate and discussion, isn't it? These splittings and forkings of the well-intentioned heart. To love someone no less for loving someone else but a little.
"A bird in hand is much better than / any number free to wander." -DJM
I can't wait until she stops working evenings again.
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