just because i'm hurting doesn't mean that i'm hurt

for the first time i truly saw that me and louis may not have a future together.

i don't think he has ever grasped what a life with me is going to be like, and if he has not by this time, i don't think he will.

all repressed...

you said your vows
and you closed the door
on so many men
who would have loved you more

-Cath, Death Cab For Cutie

i am not allowed to watch 'Knocked Up' before bed anymore. i had a dream last night that i was pregnant. and the stupid father was the magical asshole Ben. and we had an argument because he did not understand why i was trying to hide it. he thought that i was trying to hide it because i was ashamed of him and who he was, when the truth was there was no way that i could admit a) i was pregnant and b) it was not louis'.

i know that he would NOT have loved me more. it's hard, but i know that. maybe he still loves me in his own me, or fuck it, maybe i am just a faded memory in his head. but he would NOT have loved me more.

i need to get this idea out of my head that there is this magical world out there where you can expirence one great love after another and consistently feel fullfilled. there is always a little piece of yourself that you will have to give up in a relationship.

why does my heart feel so bad?

why does my soul feel so bad?


-Moby, Why Does Heart Feel So Bad


MySpace is evil. that's all there is to it. One minute you are just checking out your friends profiles, seeing how everyone is doing, how everyone's life is moving foward.

i come to find that i really expected time to stand still. whenever we saw each other, it was magic. we were always able to fall right back into rhythm. i bet we would be able to fall right back into each others arms if i allowed it, and it would feel exactly the same hand under my shirt, Incubus on in the background, him asking me to dance to 'Anti-Gravity (Summer Romance)' for him.

instead, i find out that he is having a kid.

what, did i expect him to wait for me? i told my mother, and she asked me if it bothered me. i said no, but then i came stomping back. fuck yeah it bothers me, and i'll be damned if i know why. is it because this really kills my chance of finding out if and him belong together? i should not be thinking that anywat!

is it because it seems that the whole world is fertile? it seems like the damn Earth itself might sprout a second moon and claim it as her child. thank God for small miracles, but i can't help but think that he puts them in the wrong hands...

is it because i know his writing is so fucking good? i've always felt slightly inferior when next to him, and i see all the places that he does readings, and all the people that respect him and admire him for his writing?

is it because there may be someone else out there that he loves more than me? he once told me that every woman he dates would be measured up to me. is it because i am afraid there is someone that superceeded me?

is it because he is living life and i am nothing more than a living guinea pig?

tied up and twisted the way i like to be..

i don't know what it is about last night's dream that bothers me the most. the fact that it was so vivid, i woke up and felt like it was something that had happened the day before, and i actually wanted to pick up the phone and call him. or the fact that it was so much more personalble than our relationship has been in so long. or maybe because i still feel like that? perhaps my biggest problem, my bieest fear, is that i can't wear a poker face..

there's a saltwater seal on the jar of your ashes

i need the smell of hot tar and warm wood planks beneath my feet, sand gritty against the flat of my foot where i have no arches. i need quarter telescopes that are jammed up with gum, leaving the tourists dissapointed and disgusted. i need to hear a the baloon pop! and then the squeal of the heroine as the hero hands her the prize he just won. i need sunblock, water wings, flip flops. lemonade. i need naturally curly hair as the salt spray sets in. the fae in me needs to fly.

i stand no chance at all...

i am afraid to put the pen to paper. i have all these words that want to come tumbling, flowing out, but i am afraid to betray myself. i am afraid that there may finally be a line between us, and that i may actually overstep it.

i have no right to writing this today. but i do want to write. know that.

i stand no chance at all...

sometimes, just reading your words breaks my heart. but i don't think i will ever be able to tell you this. there is such a thin line! why would i go through this again..

to keep myself honest for you is to keep decieving myself.

the magic's in the makeup...

i can't believe i had the courage to say some of the things that i did to you. of course, i edited it, stopped myself before i used the words that may have truly change the way we are.

but who am i to judge? for everytime he lies to himself, pushes a feeling, a notion away, i know there is a piece of myself that i hide, that i coverup. at least he has the courage to write about it. or rather, has found the ability to release it in some way. i don't know how. i am too afraid that i will be seen, judged.

too young, they say. and too old, i call him. if we met in the middle, we might act our age.

confessions

i worry about you. i worry because you sell yourself short. you already act as if you have seen all that the world has had to offer and know that there is nothing out there for you. you act like you are trapped, and like the only way you can revive yourself is through the eyes of another.

i worry about you because you alre like me; you easily fall under the spell of words, and those who can twist them. you don't realize that you can spellbind yourself and that maybe you are doing the same that others do to you.

i worry because you fall hard. i worry because no matter how many characters i type, how many letters i commit to paper, how many words that travel through the phone lines, i can't help but feel like i'll never really be there for you.

i worry because we are so alike, yet so different. i worry because i am also afraid. i worry becuause this is the first time i admitted i felt this way.

i worry.

'Dear God by Sarah McLachlan'

Dear God,Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
'Cause they don't get enough to eat
From God
I can't believe in you.

Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
'Cause they can't make opinions meet

About God,
I can't believe in you

.Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too?!

Dear God,Don't know if you noticed, but...
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book,
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't, and so do you

Dear God,
I can't believe in...
I don't believe in...

I won't believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And it's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound
That Father, Son and Holy GhostIs
just somebody's unholy hoax
And if you're up there you'd perceive
That my heart's here upon my sleeve.

If there's one thing I don't believe in.....

It's you.....

Dear God.

two camels...

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all
I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I knowI may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb
(Tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb
(Tired of being what you want me to be)

-Linkin Park, Numb


i have tickets to see Dave Matthews Band on November 13th. mother is giving me shit about going, all stuff about taking care of corissa. and for once i am standing my ground, and i am going to this concert. this has put a huge wedge between the two of us. it might actually be, the straw that breaks these two camel's backs.

i'm not your child, i am your daughter, i am an adult, and you will treat me with the respect that i give you.

tightrope...

I'm losing you.......I'm losing you
Trust me on this one
I've got a bad feeling
Trust me on this one
You're going to throw it all away
With no hesitation

- The Moment I Said It, Imogen Heap


our friendship is fading. no matter what he or i may say.

stop pretending that when you mean isn't what you say

i know why i like this place so much. because i do not carry any of my baggage over from my other journals. here, i am not sick. i noticed i have not written about it once, and i love it. maybe it just makes me notice all the other things that bother me about my life, but at least it is something new, something away from what has consumed me for so long. i'm not epileptic, when i feel i am, i shut the computer off and keep this safe house.

signed,
ms. anonymous NJ

'Ride' by Cary brothers

You are everything I wanted
The scars of all I'll ever know

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?

And ride…

You saw all my pieces broken
This darkness that I could never show

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

i don't know why, but i am starting to like this place a lot more than Lj. maybe it is because it is so private. sometimes i worry that it will be run across, but then i remind myself that it is completely blocked off from other bloggers.it feels good to have a place that is completely my own, where i do not feel i am pressured to live up to others' expectations.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was on again yesterday, and even though i own the movie, i am compelled to watch it every time it is on television. i don't know what it is, i releate to Joel much more than i relate to Clem, although i do believe i embody her sense of freedom, her 'fuck it' attitude.

'Little Death' by +44

Please sleep, my darling, sleep
Your cry for inspiration
Never reaches ears on distant stars
And every night our lonely planet
Slides across the universe
And I won't pretend I understand

Please sleep, my darling, sleep
Your death by information
Won't disturb the peace on distant stars
And even when you lock the doors
And slide behind the unlit shades
None of us are strangers anymore

Fall asleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
You'll close your eyes and see me
A little death makes life more meaningful
I stand no chance at all

Please, sleep my darling, sleep
Your car crash in slow motion
Won't upset the pace on distant stars
And one by one the years of our lives
Stumble as the moments pass
So please hold on, so please hold on

So fall asleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
You'll close your eyes and see me
A little death makes life more meaningful
I stand no chance at all

Please, sleep my darling, sleep
Please, sleep my darling, sleep

So fall asleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
You'll close your eyes and see me
A little death makes life more meaningful
I stand no chance at all

what's the worst that i can say?

i went to the park on sunday with corissa, and there was a guy there who had been on the phone for about half an hour. i was sitting on the bench next to him, writing. i was not eavesdropping, but snatches of the conversation were floated my way. i heard him start talking to a girl about something or other he wanted to do, and at the end of the phone call he said 'ok, love you'. so i looked up at the guy for the first time, for no reason, and he was with a girl. they were sitting together, him with his arm her, her gently stroking his hand. and i automatically thought he was cheating on the girl on the phone.

yet, why couldn't the girl on the phone have been a family member or an extremely close friend? my thoughts had so much to do with the way he said 'i love you', the tone in his voice. a familiar, almost dismissive quality. an i love you that had been said a hundred times before.

and it had nothing to do with the fact that he was a guy. it was because i saw myself in them, me and ben sitting in park almost the same way. and then the memory of louis taking me to the same exact place and my heart pounding as i realized that he had found out. i remembered how close i was to losing him. how stupid i was.

when louis came to the park to pick me and corissa up, i gave him the biggest hug and kiss.

i hope i was wrong in my assumption.

indecisice

a new moth. has a new leaf turned?

finer than your first grey hair

twinkle twinkle little bat
how i wonder where you're at
up above the world you fly
like a tea tray in the sky

-the doormouse in Disney's Alice In Wonderland

i went to Long Branch again last night. it was wonderful, i went with louis, michael, and christine. it was the first time in a while that we have all been togehter, perhaps the first time since michael stopped living at dominc's. but for however much we have changed in those few months (and we have, you can fee it in the lapses in our conversation during the car ride, when we can not find anything in common to talk about) we were still rolling around on the floor hysterical with laughter thinking of times when we were little, all the stupid things we did, the things we got in trouble for.

i saw a shooting star. i couldn't believe it, it was so tiny, hardly even there, but louis managed to point it out to me. one of the other things that i love about the shore is being away from so many lights, and being about to actually see stars. i am always asking louis to take me to the planetarium. (wow, who actually admits that?) so to see no only a star, but a shooting star, was a gift. but i wasted my wish! i wished for my brain to get better, but i know that i an impossible task. besides, i've been wishing for that on everything: first star, birthday candles, the wishbone.

i should have wished for a poney named delilah.

House 4x1-Alone

WILSON: "You ever tighten a guitar string, really.... really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird.... sound. *face winces* Almost like a scream. Eeeeeegggggghhhhhhhh....."


my fingers are killing me. it's been 4 days since i started playing guitar, and i have only started to develop a callous on my index finger. and i can't seem to play the G chord, not for my life. i'm keeping at it though, praticing every day. my mom did pay for lessons all the way up to the new year. i hope to lear something by then. at least something out of DCFC's 'you can play these songs with chords'. it seems pretty self explanitory, no?

i sent mark an email. he said there was nothing i could say to him that would change our relationship. well, i guess we will see about that. i pretty much let loos about everything-- my jealousy, my anger. feeling as if i am no longer a part of his life. and it is ok if that is what happens, because people come and go through my life. it is just a part of this great expirement, i suppose.

i had an epihany the other day. my purpose in life is to complicate my life. everything i do, no matter how hard i try, just winds up getting screwed up in the end before it gets any better. if it gets any better. it's like everything i do is a big House episode-- it has to get worse before it gets better. and so, because of this, i have decided not to bother, let things fall where they do. why bother trying to explain stuff anymore. it does not make any sense in the long run.

off to complicate my life a bit. it's my duty and all.