all repressed...

you said your vows
and you closed the door
on so many men
who would have loved you more

-Cath, Death Cab For Cutie

i am not allowed to watch 'Knocked Up' before bed anymore. i had a dream last night that i was pregnant. and the stupid father was the magical asshole Ben. and we had an argument because he did not understand why i was trying to hide it. he thought that i was trying to hide it because i was ashamed of him and who he was, when the truth was there was no way that i could admit a) i was pregnant and b) it was not louis'.

i know that he would NOT have loved me more. it's hard, but i know that. maybe he still loves me in his own me, or fuck it, maybe i am just a faded memory in his head. but he would NOT have loved me more.

i need to get this idea out of my head that there is this magical world out there where you can expirence one great love after another and consistently feel fullfilled. there is always a little piece of yourself that you will have to give up in a relationship.

stop pretending that when you mean isn't what you say

i know why i like this place so much. because i do not carry any of my baggage over from my other journals. here, i am not sick. i noticed i have not written about it once, and i love it. maybe it just makes me notice all the other things that bother me about my life, but at least it is something new, something away from what has consumed me for so long. i'm not epileptic, when i feel i am, i shut the computer off and keep this safe house.

signed,
ms. anonymous NJ

House 4x1-Alone

WILSON: "You ever tighten a guitar string, really.... really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird.... sound. *face winces* Almost like a scream. Eeeeeegggggghhhhhhhh....."


my fingers are killing me. it's been 4 days since i started playing guitar, and i have only started to develop a callous on my index finger. and i can't seem to play the G chord, not for my life. i'm keeping at it though, praticing every day. my mom did pay for lessons all the way up to the new year. i hope to lear something by then. at least something out of DCFC's 'you can play these songs with chords'. it seems pretty self explanitory, no?

i sent mark an email. he said there was nothing i could say to him that would change our relationship. well, i guess we will see about that. i pretty much let loos about everything-- my jealousy, my anger. feeling as if i am no longer a part of his life. and it is ok if that is what happens, because people come and go through my life. it is just a part of this great expirement, i suppose.

i had an epihany the other day. my purpose in life is to complicate my life. everything i do, no matter how hard i try, just winds up getting screwed up in the end before it gets any better. if it gets any better. it's like everything i do is a big House episode-- it has to get worse before it gets better. and so, because of this, i have decided not to bother, let things fall where they do. why bother trying to explain stuff anymore. it does not make any sense in the long run.

off to complicate my life a bit. it's my duty and all.

isn't it strange?