'Dear God by Sarah McLachlan'

Dear God,Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
'Cause they don't get enough to eat
From God
I can't believe in you.

Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
'Cause they can't make opinions meet

About God,
I can't believe in you

.Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too?!

Dear God,Don't know if you noticed, but...
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book,
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't, and so do you

Dear God,
I can't believe in...
I don't believe in...

I won't believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And it's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound
That Father, Son and Holy GhostIs
just somebody's unholy hoax
And if you're up there you'd perceive
That my heart's here upon my sleeve.

If there's one thing I don't believe in.....

It's you.....

Dear God.

two camels...

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all
I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I knowI may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb
(Tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb
(Tired of being what you want me to be)

-Linkin Park, Numb


i have tickets to see Dave Matthews Band on November 13th. mother is giving me shit about going, all stuff about taking care of corissa. and for once i am standing my ground, and i am going to this concert. this has put a huge wedge between the two of us. it might actually be, the straw that breaks these two camel's backs.

i'm not your child, i am your daughter, i am an adult, and you will treat me with the respect that i give you.

tightrope...

I'm losing you.......I'm losing you
Trust me on this one
I've got a bad feeling
Trust me on this one
You're going to throw it all away
With no hesitation

- The Moment I Said It, Imogen Heap


our friendship is fading. no matter what he or i may say.

stop pretending that when you mean isn't what you say

i know why i like this place so much. because i do not carry any of my baggage over from my other journals. here, i am not sick. i noticed i have not written about it once, and i love it. maybe it just makes me notice all the other things that bother me about my life, but at least it is something new, something away from what has consumed me for so long. i'm not epileptic, when i feel i am, i shut the computer off and keep this safe house.

signed,
ms. anonymous NJ

'Ride' by Cary brothers

You are everything I wanted
The scars of all I'll ever know

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?

And ride…

You saw all my pieces broken
This darkness that I could never show

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

i don't know why, but i am starting to like this place a lot more than Lj. maybe it is because it is so private. sometimes i worry that it will be run across, but then i remind myself that it is completely blocked off from other bloggers.it feels good to have a place that is completely my own, where i do not feel i am pressured to live up to others' expectations.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was on again yesterday, and even though i own the movie, i am compelled to watch it every time it is on television. i don't know what it is, i releate to Joel much more than i relate to Clem, although i do believe i embody her sense of freedom, her 'fuck it' attitude.

'Little Death' by +44

Please sleep, my darling, sleep
Your cry for inspiration
Never reaches ears on distant stars
And every night our lonely planet
Slides across the universe
And I won't pretend I understand

Please sleep, my darling, sleep
Your death by information
Won't disturb the peace on distant stars
And even when you lock the doors
And slide behind the unlit shades
None of us are strangers anymore

Fall asleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
You'll close your eyes and see me
A little death makes life more meaningful
I stand no chance at all

Please, sleep my darling, sleep
Your car crash in slow motion
Won't upset the pace on distant stars
And one by one the years of our lives
Stumble as the moments pass
So please hold on, so please hold on

So fall asleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
You'll close your eyes and see me
A little death makes life more meaningful
I stand no chance at all

Please, sleep my darling, sleep
Please, sleep my darling, sleep

So fall asleep with the windows open
Come to me with the worst you've said and done
You'll close your eyes and see me
A little death makes life more meaningful
I stand no chance at all

what's the worst that i can say?

i went to the park on sunday with corissa, and there was a guy there who had been on the phone for about half an hour. i was sitting on the bench next to him, writing. i was not eavesdropping, but snatches of the conversation were floated my way. i heard him start talking to a girl about something or other he wanted to do, and at the end of the phone call he said 'ok, love you'. so i looked up at the guy for the first time, for no reason, and he was with a girl. they were sitting together, him with his arm her, her gently stroking his hand. and i automatically thought he was cheating on the girl on the phone.

yet, why couldn't the girl on the phone have been a family member or an extremely close friend? my thoughts had so much to do with the way he said 'i love you', the tone in his voice. a familiar, almost dismissive quality. an i love you that had been said a hundred times before.

and it had nothing to do with the fact that he was a guy. it was because i saw myself in them, me and ben sitting in park almost the same way. and then the memory of louis taking me to the same exact place and my heart pounding as i realized that he had found out. i remembered how close i was to losing him. how stupid i was.

when louis came to the park to pick me and corissa up, i gave him the biggest hug and kiss.

i hope i was wrong in my assumption.

indecisice

a new moth. has a new leaf turned?

finer than your first grey hair

twinkle twinkle little bat
how i wonder where you're at
up above the world you fly
like a tea tray in the sky

-the doormouse in Disney's Alice In Wonderland

i went to Long Branch again last night. it was wonderful, i went with louis, michael, and christine. it was the first time in a while that we have all been togehter, perhaps the first time since michael stopped living at dominc's. but for however much we have changed in those few months (and we have, you can fee it in the lapses in our conversation during the car ride, when we can not find anything in common to talk about) we were still rolling around on the floor hysterical with laughter thinking of times when we were little, all the stupid things we did, the things we got in trouble for.

i saw a shooting star. i couldn't believe it, it was so tiny, hardly even there, but louis managed to point it out to me. one of the other things that i love about the shore is being away from so many lights, and being about to actually see stars. i am always asking louis to take me to the planetarium. (wow, who actually admits that?) so to see no only a star, but a shooting star, was a gift. but i wasted my wish! i wished for my brain to get better, but i know that i an impossible task. besides, i've been wishing for that on everything: first star, birthday candles, the wishbone.

i should have wished for a poney named delilah.

House 4x1-Alone

WILSON: "You ever tighten a guitar string, really.... really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird.... sound. *face winces* Almost like a scream. Eeeeeegggggghhhhhhhh....."


my fingers are killing me. it's been 4 days since i started playing guitar, and i have only started to develop a callous on my index finger. and i can't seem to play the G chord, not for my life. i'm keeping at it though, praticing every day. my mom did pay for lessons all the way up to the new year. i hope to lear something by then. at least something out of DCFC's 'you can play these songs with chords'. it seems pretty self explanitory, no?

i sent mark an email. he said there was nothing i could say to him that would change our relationship. well, i guess we will see about that. i pretty much let loos about everything-- my jealousy, my anger. feeling as if i am no longer a part of his life. and it is ok if that is what happens, because people come and go through my life. it is just a part of this great expirement, i suppose.

i had an epihany the other day. my purpose in life is to complicate my life. everything i do, no matter how hard i try, just winds up getting screwed up in the end before it gets any better. if it gets any better. it's like everything i do is a big House episode-- it has to get worse before it gets better. and so, because of this, i have decided not to bother, let things fall where they do. why bother trying to explain stuff anymore. it does not make any sense in the long run.

off to complicate my life a bit. it's my duty and all.

once a blogger, always a blogger.

i've taken a hiatus from LiveJournal. i've been a hardcore blogger there for over three years, and have at least three accounts, my main one a paid one. i don't know why exactly. i am afraid of the way that i feel lately. and i suppose that out of sight is out of mind. the people that i love won't be around for me to hurt. i won't hurt him.

In Between by Linkin Park

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan
Fear is not afraid of you

But guilt's a language you can understand
I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

The only thing that's worse than one is none

The only thing that's worse than one is none

do you notice when you buy a silver car, all of the sudden everyone has a silver car too?

i've spent the past two days trying to find a way to describe the jealous nature that i feel lately, and how it has evolved. i know i never truly healed from jenna's cruel words and betrayal, brenda's cold shoulder, and worst of all, brit's fake death. they stole something from me: an unquestionable trust i had for friendship. i can't help now but regard every word with suspicion, with the thought that what i say will be twisted and repeated to someone else. maybe that is why all my friendships die out. maybe i spend so much time blaming them when i am hiding myself, afraid of who i am, of what i have become.

the fact that the friendship has endured with mark comes frome many different circumstances: our understanding for each others work, my illness and his support and love (yes, love) that helped me along the way, my understanding of the situation with 'j', our connections with different life forces of the earth, and other various complexieties. but sometimes, sometimes... i want to scream at him 'is that all? is there anything else? well, just tell me what you really think about me.'

how can i be jealous of a life that i know nothing about? maybe it is because i am tired of hearing things like 'trust me, your not missing anything.' or the such.

you have no idea what i miss. sometimes you can be just like them.


Fisherboy

My wares
They are not for sale
In shallow waters
I stalked this
Particular mollusk
It’s shell ice white
Diamond crusted
The demon
I plucked from
The scarlet flesh,
The ash of a
Jealous plot,
Turned over
And over
Now a
Black Pearl

'Girl Sailor' by The Shins

The gutter may profess its love,
Then follow it with hesitation,
But there are just so many of
You out there for rent

A stronger girl would shake this off in flight,
And never give it more than a frowning hour,
But you have let your heart decide,
Loss has conquered you,

You've won one too many fights,
Wearing many hats every time,
But you wont win here tonight,

You've made it through the direst of straits alright,
Can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting?
You haven't changed an ounce in my eyes,
And I cannot lecture you,

And does anything I say seem relevant at all?
You've been at the helm since you were just five,
While I cannot claim to be more than a passenger,
But, you've won one too many fights,

Wearing all of your clothes at the same time,
Let the good times end tonight,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time,

Just a moment or two from now,
Not a mind will retain even a trace,
Of the thoughts that I struggled to tell
And how our stack of cards just fell,

So settle this once and for all,
The light no longer shows the cracks around my door,
And I have no lantern to light your way home tonight,

You are not some saint who's above,
Giving someone a stroll through the flowers,
You've got so much more to dream of,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time,
This time,
This time.

isn't it strange?