i've spent the past two days trying to find a way to describe the jealous nature that i feel lately, and how it has evolved. i know i never truly healed from jenna's cruel words and betrayal, brenda's cold shoulder, and worst of all, brit's fake death. they stole something from me: an unquestionable trust i had for friendship. i can't help now but regard every word with suspicion, with the thought that what i say will be twisted and repeated to someone else. maybe that is why all my friendships die out. maybe i spend so much time blaming them when i am hiding myself, afraid of who i am, of what i have become.
the fact that the friendship has endured with mark comes frome many different circumstances: our understanding for each others work, my illness and his support and love (yes, love) that helped me along the way, my understanding of the situation with 'j', our connections with different life forces of the earth, and other various complexieties. but sometimes, sometimes... i want to scream at him 'is that all? is there anything else? well, just tell me what you really think about me.'
how can i be jealous of a life that i know nothing about? maybe it is because i am tired of hearing things like 'trust me, your not missing anything.' or the such.
you have no idea what i miss. sometimes you can be just like them.
Fisherboy
My wares
They are not for sale
In shallow waters
I stalked this
Particular mollusk
It’s shell ice white
Diamond crusted
The demon
I plucked from
The scarlet flesh,
The ash of a
Jealous plot,
Turned over
And over
Now a
Black Pearl
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