finer than your first grey hair

twinkle twinkle little bat
how i wonder where you're at
up above the world you fly
like a tea tray in the sky

-the doormouse in Disney's Alice In Wonderland

i went to Long Branch again last night. it was wonderful, i went with louis, michael, and christine. it was the first time in a while that we have all been togehter, perhaps the first time since michael stopped living at dominc's. but for however much we have changed in those few months (and we have, you can fee it in the lapses in our conversation during the car ride, when we can not find anything in common to talk about) we were still rolling around on the floor hysterical with laughter thinking of times when we were little, all the stupid things we did, the things we got in trouble for.

i saw a shooting star. i couldn't believe it, it was so tiny, hardly even there, but louis managed to point it out to me. one of the other things that i love about the shore is being away from so many lights, and being about to actually see stars. i am always asking louis to take me to the planetarium. (wow, who actually admits that?) so to see no only a star, but a shooting star, was a gift. but i wasted my wish! i wished for my brain to get better, but i know that i an impossible task. besides, i've been wishing for that on everything: first star, birthday candles, the wishbone.

i should have wished for a poney named delilah.

House 4x1-Alone

WILSON: "You ever tighten a guitar string, really.... really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird.... sound. *face winces* Almost like a scream. Eeeeeegggggghhhhhhhh....."


my fingers are killing me. it's been 4 days since i started playing guitar, and i have only started to develop a callous on my index finger. and i can't seem to play the G chord, not for my life. i'm keeping at it though, praticing every day. my mom did pay for lessons all the way up to the new year. i hope to lear something by then. at least something out of DCFC's 'you can play these songs with chords'. it seems pretty self explanitory, no?

i sent mark an email. he said there was nothing i could say to him that would change our relationship. well, i guess we will see about that. i pretty much let loos about everything-- my jealousy, my anger. feeling as if i am no longer a part of his life. and it is ok if that is what happens, because people come and go through my life. it is just a part of this great expirement, i suppose.

i had an epihany the other day. my purpose in life is to complicate my life. everything i do, no matter how hard i try, just winds up getting screwed up in the end before it gets any better. if it gets any better. it's like everything i do is a big House episode-- it has to get worse before it gets better. and so, because of this, i have decided not to bother, let things fall where they do. why bother trying to explain stuff anymore. it does not make any sense in the long run.

off to complicate my life a bit. it's my duty and all.

once a blogger, always a blogger.

i've taken a hiatus from LiveJournal. i've been a hardcore blogger there for over three years, and have at least three accounts, my main one a paid one. i don't know why exactly. i am afraid of the way that i feel lately. and i suppose that out of sight is out of mind. the people that i love won't be around for me to hurt. i won't hurt him.

In Between by Linkin Park

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan
Fear is not afraid of you

But guilt's a language you can understand
I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

The only thing that's worse than one is none

The only thing that's worse than one is none

do you notice when you buy a silver car, all of the sudden everyone has a silver car too?

i've spent the past two days trying to find a way to describe the jealous nature that i feel lately, and how it has evolved. i know i never truly healed from jenna's cruel words and betrayal, brenda's cold shoulder, and worst of all, brit's fake death. they stole something from me: an unquestionable trust i had for friendship. i can't help now but regard every word with suspicion, with the thought that what i say will be twisted and repeated to someone else. maybe that is why all my friendships die out. maybe i spend so much time blaming them when i am hiding myself, afraid of who i am, of what i have become.

the fact that the friendship has endured with mark comes frome many different circumstances: our understanding for each others work, my illness and his support and love (yes, love) that helped me along the way, my understanding of the situation with 'j', our connections with different life forces of the earth, and other various complexieties. but sometimes, sometimes... i want to scream at him 'is that all? is there anything else? well, just tell me what you really think about me.'

how can i be jealous of a life that i know nothing about? maybe it is because i am tired of hearing things like 'trust me, your not missing anything.' or the such.

you have no idea what i miss. sometimes you can be just like them.


Fisherboy

My wares
They are not for sale
In shallow waters
I stalked this
Particular mollusk
It’s shell ice white
Diamond crusted
The demon
I plucked from
The scarlet flesh,
The ash of a
Jealous plot,
Turned over
And over
Now a
Black Pearl

'Girl Sailor' by The Shins

The gutter may profess its love,
Then follow it with hesitation,
But there are just so many of
You out there for rent

A stronger girl would shake this off in flight,
And never give it more than a frowning hour,
But you have let your heart decide,
Loss has conquered you,

You've won one too many fights,
Wearing many hats every time,
But you wont win here tonight,

You've made it through the direst of straits alright,
Can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting?
You haven't changed an ounce in my eyes,
And I cannot lecture you,

And does anything I say seem relevant at all?
You've been at the helm since you were just five,
While I cannot claim to be more than a passenger,
But, you've won one too many fights,

Wearing all of your clothes at the same time,
Let the good times end tonight,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time,

Just a moment or two from now,
Not a mind will retain even a trace,
Of the thoughts that I struggled to tell
And how our stack of cards just fell,

So settle this once and for all,
The light no longer shows the cracks around my door,
And I have no lantern to light your way home tonight,

You are not some saint who's above,
Giving someone a stroll through the flowers,
You've got so much more to dream of,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time,
This time,
This time.

isn't it strange?