there's a saltwater seal on the jar of your ashes

i need the smell of hot tar and warm wood planks beneath my feet, sand gritty against the flat of my foot where i have no arches. i need quarter telescopes that are jammed up with gum, leaving the tourists dissapointed and disgusted. i need to hear a the baloon pop! and then the squeal of the heroine as the hero hands her the prize he just won. i need sunblock, water wings, flip flops. lemonade. i need naturally curly hair as the salt spray sets in. the fae in me needs to fly.

i stand no chance at all...

i am afraid to put the pen to paper. i have all these words that want to come tumbling, flowing out, but i am afraid to betray myself. i am afraid that there may finally be a line between us, and that i may actually overstep it.

i have no right to writing this today. but i do want to write. know that.

i stand no chance at all...

sometimes, just reading your words breaks my heart. but i don't think i will ever be able to tell you this. there is such a thin line! why would i go through this again..

to keep myself honest for you is to keep decieving myself.

the magic's in the makeup...

i can't believe i had the courage to say some of the things that i did to you. of course, i edited it, stopped myself before i used the words that may have truly change the way we are.

but who am i to judge? for everytime he lies to himself, pushes a feeling, a notion away, i know there is a piece of myself that i hide, that i coverup. at least he has the courage to write about it. or rather, has found the ability to release it in some way. i don't know how. i am too afraid that i will be seen, judged.

too young, they say. and too old, i call him. if we met in the middle, we might act our age.

confessions

i worry about you. i worry because you sell yourself short. you already act as if you have seen all that the world has had to offer and know that there is nothing out there for you. you act like you are trapped, and like the only way you can revive yourself is through the eyes of another.

i worry about you because you alre like me; you easily fall under the spell of words, and those who can twist them. you don't realize that you can spellbind yourself and that maybe you are doing the same that others do to you.

i worry because you fall hard. i worry because no matter how many characters i type, how many letters i commit to paper, how many words that travel through the phone lines, i can't help but feel like i'll never really be there for you.

i worry because we are so alike, yet so different. i worry because i am also afraid. i worry becuause this is the first time i admitted i felt this way.

i worry.

'Dear God by Sarah McLachlan'

Dear God,Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
'Cause they don't get enough to eat
From God
I can't believe in you.

Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
'Cause they can't make opinions meet

About God,
I can't believe in you

.Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too?!

Dear God,Don't know if you noticed, but...
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book,
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't, and so do you

Dear God,
I can't believe in...
I don't believe in...

I won't believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And it's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound
That Father, Son and Holy GhostIs
just somebody's unholy hoax
And if you're up there you'd perceive
That my heart's here upon my sleeve.

If there's one thing I don't believe in.....

It's you.....

Dear God.

two camels...

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all
I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I knowI may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb
(Tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb
(Tired of being what you want me to be)

-Linkin Park, Numb


i have tickets to see Dave Matthews Band on November 13th. mother is giving me shit about going, all stuff about taking care of corissa. and for once i am standing my ground, and i am going to this concert. this has put a huge wedge between the two of us. it might actually be, the straw that breaks these two camel's backs.

i'm not your child, i am your daughter, i am an adult, and you will treat me with the respect that i give you.